The passing of my mother in late February marked the poignant conclusion of a significant and treacherous phase of my life. This journey of grief commenced precisely a decade ago, in the chilling December air of 2013 as I embarked on a flight from Chengdu to Tokyo. It was during those hours, with an unshakable certainty, that the realization of my parents’ impending departure hit me like a tidal wave.
I was sitting on a window seat and I was crying so hard and unstoppable that I had to glue my face to the window as if something so interesting outside almost till we landed.
The grief surprised me. The sorrow was physical and unpalatably deep and enduring, as if I was mourning for some tragedy over hundreds of years of suffering. In its wake, I found myself grappling with a potentially lifelong PTSD, waking up in the dead of night feeling as if thousands of needles pressed relentlessly against my chest.
In ancient time in China, when your parents passed away, you need to quit your job and return home and mourn for the loss for three years. You need to live a like monk, no entertainment nor luxury meals.
I shorten it for twelve months.
Now, all I want is for this grief rollercoaster to slam on the brakes. I’m ready to live for me, and just me, once and for all.
In two months it will be over. I should be flying all over the places once again. I thought I would be overjoyed to fly again but I am surprised that I actually not super looking forward to it.
I became very fond of the past few months “grounded” life experiences. These days are very reflective and focus and relax.
My friends are all over the places, someone at Chengdu attending a Xmas concert played by a symphony coming from Austria, another two at South Pole jumping into the sub-zero water, Prague attending the Christmas ceremony, Moroco sipping coffee at the old town center of Marrakesh. And someone is brining his whole family to the rural corners of Tasmania Island
Before my “grounded” time, any of these activities would have had made me super itchy to fly out to join any of them. But not this time.
I am so contend and happy to watch their fun time and continue my daily mundane and simple routines of morning swim, work, eat, work, walk and sleep.
In the weekend, I was just happy to pick up any place nearby and have a day trip. It also helps that I live in one of the most sought after places on earth. You can get almost anything you want and they are reachable with few hours drive maximum.
Could the “grounded time” have changed me in certain ways or is it an age progressive resolution forming?
I am about to find out in a few months.
